Greetings, friends.
It’s been an emotional few weeks for many people, especially for those who have had past traumas bubble up to the surface after hearing Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony during the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court. A beautiful young friend of mine shared her story with me and asked where might be a safe outlet for her writing. I read her piece and was deeply moved, not only because she had entrusted me to hear her story, but also because of the mindful, courageous way she has taken ownership of her own healing. She is not ready to share her name, since she has never told her family about this event, even as an adult. Such is the power of these #MeToo stories over countless lives. How many of us can relate to the common refrain of “I didn’t mention it to anyone”? But my friend IS ready to release the story to the world anonymously as the final act of releasing its hold on her. Read through to the end for a much-needed dose of hope, inspiration, and empowerment.
It’s the Monday after Kavanaugh’s confirmation into the Supreme Court. I’m driving to work, crying—overcome with emotions—trying to find the balance within myself to look into the faces of people out in the world today who are hurting and find the strength to listen, to hold space for them to come to terms with what this means for them, the balance within myself to navigate my own experiences and thoughts, the balance to figure out the next step in the collective healing process.
During the two weeks leading up to last Saturday’s core-shaking news, I finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I, too, had had experiences that were not ideal. No, I have never been raped or beaten or sexually assaulted in the worst ways. I do, however, have an experience that changed the trajectory of my life. It started when I was nine, my mom signed me up for piano lessons. It was a love hate relationship for me for years. I wasn’t the strongest reader in school or out. Reading sheet music presented challenges. My mom took note and found a piano teacher who understood that I required a different approach if I was going to make it past playing Twinkle Twinkle. Taking time to understand my needs, he noticed that if he played the music first and showed me the notes that I could easily memorize anything I wanted to play. Traditional classical music wasn’t interesting to me and he encouraged learning modern music. He understood me. My skills developed, and I started competing at district, regional and even state competitions, generally ranking well. I felt that he truly believed in me during a time in my life when I really needed it. Divorce and conflict were the center of my family’s attention and piano (along with softball) became a place where I could focus on creativity, growth, learning and building my confidence. I trusted him fully and completely.
In those days, piano teachers came to the house whether parents were home or not. Most of the time he came right after school, no one was home. It started slow, him standing behind me placing a soft hand on my shoulder while he looked over my shoulder and I played, then two hands, then it progressed to a massage. He would listen to me when my family wouldn’t, he provided guidance on adult matters I didn’t know how to navigate. He made me feel like I mattered. As I got older, maybe 12 or 13, the massages moved to the couch, me laying flat on my belly, him straddling me saying things like, “Let me help you relax”. I never said no. I don’t know if I even knew exactly what was right and wrong in those situations or that I should even say no. And then when I was a pre-teen, I was playing piano, my back to him. Standing behind me, he moved my hair and kissed me on my neck. Alarms went off, I didn’t like it one bit. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to do. I just kept playing.
I didn’t mention it to anyone. Then, like the Universe had my back, there was a shift. The Internet was just becoming a thing. Most people didn’t have access in their house yet. I remember he came to my house and sat my mom down and told her that he was in big legal trouble. That “they” found child pornography on his computer. He asked if my mom and I could be character witnesses in his trial. I honestly don’t remember if my mom asked me or not, but I know I told my mom not to get involved and I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. I quit piano shortly thereafter and never looked back. He was convicted, spent time in jail, and had to register as a sex offender. I quickly and completely deleted all memory of how to play piano. Even years later I would see a piano and nostalgically reach for it, my hands touching the keys but nothing coming out.
About eight or nine years ago, I was buying lawn furniture off Craigslist not too far from my house. We rang the bell and the man who answered the door was my piano teacher. It shook me to the core. I was hopeful he wouldn’t recognize me. Of course, he did. I was cordial, wrapped the deal up quickly and got out of there fast. I had never shared the story with my husband and when we got back in the truck my husband looked over at me and asked if I was ok. He could tell something was off. I didn’t have the strength to share the whole story with him. I was totally caught off guard. Memories came flooding back that I wasn’t prepared to navigate. I put them all right back into the box they came from until two weeks ago. I’m 37 now, and in the last 20+ years I’ve cried over the memory, longing to play but not ready to face the emotions that came along with it.
Last weekend, the power of the Internet brought a free piano into my view through a Facebook post. Within 30 minutes the piano was in my house. I downloaded an app that teaches piano and I have started re-teaching myself how to play. Sitting at the piano is bringing me so much joy, it’s allowing me to tap into a beautiful part of me that I neglected for so long. The pain I’m navigating right now revolves around questions like, “Why did I neglect this creative expression that was so important for me for so long?”
It’s taken this long for me to face these fears but I’m ready. I’m ready to move past whatever that was and funnel that energy into acknowledging that I did have this experience and that it grabbed hold of me for so long. That I got right to the edge of this is really fucking scary. The piano sits in the heart of my house, where the dining room, living room and kitchen meet. My husband and son are curious and want to learn how to play a little. They encourage me to practice even when it’s off pitch, loud and I miss the keys. I’ve created a playlist of songs I want to learn how to play. I feel a freedom I haven’t felt in a long time. The creative expression is spilling into other parts of my life, at work, in my master’s program and even in my ability to think past my normal comfortable thoughts stretching into spaces of deeper access and deeper connection, all of which is helping me reconnect with myself more openly.
I left work early today, because I really needed to connect with myself. For me that happens in the woods. I was walking along a trail and a leaf fell from a tree right into my hand. I caught it effortlessly and carried it with me down to the river. During the walk, I placed all the pent up feelings and emotions into that leaf. When I reached the river’s edge I released it into the river. It was the perfect visual representation I needed to experience. There’s a part of me that wishes he could have been standing right there to see me let this experience go. If he had been there I would have looked over at him while the leaf was floating away and said, “I have learned what total joy, unconditional love and divine connection are thanks to the lessons you helped me learn at a young age. All my life experiences have accumulated into this moment and given me the courage to let go of the control I gave you.”
My faith in humanity has not wavered from this nomination. My faith in humanity has expanded. We are giving ourselves the chance to share and heal from these darker experiences in life in a way that has never happened before. We are creating a space for honest dialogue, mindful awareness and reflective courage–forging a path that will shape what happens next. What happens next will be monumental.
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