Photo: ©Martha Brettschneider/Damselwings Photography
“Empathy is really important… Only when our clever brain and our human heart work together in harmony can we achieve our true potential.”
~ Jane Goodall
It’s been a week.
As I write this on Sunday, February 2, I am astounded by the profound power of empathy in action that I have witnessed since last Monday.
That morning, my sister and I were in the process of emptying our mother’s apartment after moving her to assisted living. Since we have all done our work to strengthen our Sage brains (including my 91-year-old mother), empathy, gratitude, and laser focused action allowed us to navigate that transition with surprising ease.
I had arranged for Mom’s furniture to be donated to ECDC, the refugee resettlement agency through which we co-sponsored the Afghans who have become like family to me over the past three years. Less than an hour before our scheduled pick-up time, my phone rang. The young man on the line, stammering as he read from a script, explained that they wouldn’t be able to come due to the executive order to close down refugee programs. All of ECDC’s operations were halted.
I had a brief moment in my head of, “Great! What am I going to do with all of this furniture at the 11th hour?”
Shifting from annoyance (which might even have evolved into anger if left unchecked), I chose the alternative lens of empathy. This young man on the phone, surely a refugee himself, would be out of a job. As would the dedicated ECDC case workers who play crucial roles in setting up refugee families with support services and other lifelines to help them gain a toe hold here.
The broader implications became even clearer just moments after the cancelled pick-up call…
My phone rang again. It was one of our Afghan dads, who usually gives me a jubilant greeting when he calls, but this time his voice was filled with worry. A former colleague of his – another Afghan who worked as security for American personnel in Kabul before the Taliban overthrew the government – had made it to Maryland just days before the executive order was issued.
This man had been arrested by the Taliban three times due to his support of the Americans. After trying to remain invisible for three years in Afghanistan, he had finally made it to ostensible safety with his wife and two young children.
The timing of my mother’s move was fortuitous, since our Afghan friends were able to bring some of my mother’s household items to the family last Sunday. It should have been a happy and uplifting reunion for the friends. But instead, the newcomers were in tears, hungry and frightened, with no food in the apartment, no money, and no access to a case worker because of the executive order.
Shifting to Action, Powered By Empathy
“Can you help, Ms. Martha?”
My first thought: “No. I’m too busy this week finishing my mother’s move.”
That thought was accompanied by constriction in my chest. Noticing the physical signal that I was operating from Saboteur energy (based on fear and scarcity mindset), I intentionally shifted to Sage empathy as my driver.
What CAN I do?
I can’t change the executive order, and I won’t waste time by falling into the political rabbit hole that will surely paralyze me.
Keeping the clarity of mind that comes with Sage brain activation, I saw that I could, indeed help. Even that day when I had so many other things on my plate.
Setting my timer, I took 15 minutes to share the situation within a trusted local private Facebook group. This community has responded generously to my previous calls for support for our other Afghan refugee families over the past three years. Then I turned off my computer and kept my attention on the rest of my list.
By that afternoon, a flood of generous people (most of whom I have never met), had sent financial assistance. Our Afghan friends brought the money to the new family that very evening and took them shopping for food and other essentials.
That was the easy part, which only required me writing the post and delivering the cash to my Afghan family.
Experience has taught me that managing people’s desire to help is a harder task. Especially during a week like last week, when so many people are feeling outraged by the lack of empathy inherent in the new administration’s actions.
I knew I didn’t have the bandwidth to serve this new family on my own. So I followed Mr. (Fred) Roger’s advice to “look for the helpers” in times of crisis.
In the many replies to my Facebook post, a handful of women had offered to provide additional assistance, such as managing donations offers or other logistical support. I reached out to each one, asking if they would join me on a Zoom call to see how we could effectively troubleshoot this situation.
The Dream Team
We met on Tuesday night – after young kids were in bed since we cover the spectrum of life chapters – and everyone shared what they could contribute.
- My value added was experience in managing a refugee co-sponsorship team and access to the family – including a visit with my Afghan “granddaughter” / translator on Wednesday to assess actual needs.
- A young mom who could provide support from her home leveraged her professional experience to set up our systems for targeted donations, information management, and extending the reach of our efforts by sharing with her wider circles.
- Another offered her front porch as the material donations drop-off point and to be one of our delivery people, with the help of her sweet teen daughter.
- Another offered to acquire phones, sign them up with a discounted plan, and, with the help of her tech family, set up the new phones for the new mom and dad (plus additional shopping the night before our delivery for last-minute needs). She and her husband and two teen kids helped with delivery on Saturday, all of them embodying true compassion.
- Another offered to research and arrange for discounted wifi installation in the apartment, as well as bring her previous experience with Afghan refugees into the room.
- Another offered to shop for other items we didn’t receive or that we wanted to have new, like bed pillows, as well as to monitor and respond to the Facebook responses.
On that Zoom call, we didn’t take time to talk about our backgrounds, our families, or what we “did” professionally currently or in previous life chapters. We simply shared what we could offer and went into action.
The story isn’t over. But I wanted to acknowledge what people are able to do when we lead with empathy in our actions. And when we join forces with others.
We need each other more than ever now. I have gotten over my hesitation to ask for help, and it paid off to meet this desperate family’s short-term needs. I can’t imagine what other families in their situation are experiencing right now.
It’s been a really hard week, especially in our region between impacts on federal workers and programs, and the devastating plane crash in the Potomac. Keeping myself in Sage emotions like empathy, compassion, love, curiosity, gratitude for the privilege that I can leverage on behalf of others, and a focus on what action I can take right now has been energizing, rather than depleting.
Wishing you the same resilience as we power on. And don’t forget to look for the helpers in your local community, offering whatever type of support works for you.
