Photo: Martha Brettschneider / Damselwings Photography
“Went back to Urgent Care. Pneumonia.”
I looked at the text from my friend and my heart sank for her. I knew she was supposed to drive several hours the next day to a two-day college soccer ID camp that her son had been invited to attend. Her husband was traveling for work.
Having navigated the journey to (and through) collegiate soccer with our son years ago, I knew that the camp on their schedule was an important part of the process.
I also knew the feeling of having illness get in the way of my availability as a mother. Though it’s been 16 years since my bout with breast cancer, I remember vividly how hard it was to have to miss my kids’ events after my various surgeries and rely on others for help.
I had barely finished reading her text before opening my calendar. My heart beat a little faster when I saw that my weekend was completely unscheduled. Not one plan would need to be changed if I offered to help.
Hold your horses, Martha…
The first step is admitting you have a problem. My problem is my Pleaser saboteur. Like all of our inner saboteurs, my Pleaser takes an inherent strength (in this case, empathy) and overuses and abuses it as a survival strategy.
Am I saying yes because it makes me look like a good person? Or because I want this person to like or love me more? Or because I think I can fix another person? Or because I think I will get something in return, like gratitude, to validate my self-worth?
Our inner saboteurs (the Judge and its accomplice saboteurs Pleaser, Controller, Victim, Restless, Hyper-Achiever, Hyper-Vigilant, Avoider, Hyper Rational, and Stickler) live in our survival brain. They are motivated by negative emotions like fear, guilt, shame, or some sort of scarcity mindset. Their lie is that they will make us feel better. But in reality Saboteurs create stress, resentment, anxiety, and, especially in the Pleaser’s case, can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
The good news is that we have an entirely different network of neural circuity to engage when making choices about what we say yes to: our Sage brain. Our Sage brain is where we can access empathy, creativity, and clear-headed problem solving. In contrast to the Saboteurs, our Sage is motivated by positive emotions like empathy, love, curiosity, and inspiration.
My Sage brain’s decisions energize me. My Saboteurs’ decisions deplete me. It’s as simple as that.
My Check-In System
When I felt my heart beating faster at the sight of my unusually open calendar, I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths to settle down. I dropped my attention into my body and just listened. I directed my curiosity towards the energetic tone of my body.
When I envisioned the spur of the moment road trip I was considering offering, did it feel stressful or fun? Did my energy feel heavy or light?
If the faster heartbeat felt stress induced, it would be coming from my survival brain. “You should do this to be seen as a good person. So that you will be accepted by the tribe and be safe.”
But the faster heartbeat didn’t feel stress induced. The energy felt light, both excited and anticipatory. I had watched my friend’s son grow up over the past decade but hadn’t had much 1:1 time with him in recent years. I know my way around soccer events and truly enjoy being with young people. And I realized how much fun a road trip sounded when I hadn’t traveled all year.
S.T.O.P. Practice
So after Stopping, Taking a breath, Observing what was going on with my body and thinking patterns, I Proceeded with confidence. I texted my friend and offered to pick up her son the next morning.
This S.T.O.P. practice has become second nature to me over the years. It allowed me to make a skillful decision with just a couple of minutes of reflection, and move forward with a curious, happy heart.
My Mental Fitness training (the framework that strengthens my Sage and intercepts my Saboteurs) allowed me to stay connected to the gifts and opportunities that each moment of the weekend offered. Most gratifying was knowing that I was sharing positive, calming energy with my young friend during a stressful weekend for him. And, of course, that his mom could rest at home, recuperate, and feel cared for.
I returned energized and happy with how I showed up. My personal batteries were replenished because my Sage was behind the steering wheel, with my Pleaser belted securely into the backseat. Celebrating!
If you are ready to slay the Saboteurs that deplete you, you might be a candidate for my next PQ® Mental Fitness training starting in September. Fill out this exploratory survey as a starting point.
