How often do you ask yourself, “What would please me?”
As someone with a strong Pleaser Saboteur (the inner voice that is constantly telling you that your self-worth is tied to how much you are helping other people), it’s not a question I felt was even OK to ask myself. Women in particular are conditioned to put others’ needs and wishes ahead of their own, with subtle and not-so-subtle messages around selfishness if we do otherwise.
I hadn’t realized just how atrophied my “What would please me?” muscles had become until I had three full days of solo tourist time in Berlin in April. This followed four fabulous days with my friend Marcia, the source of inspiration for the trip (see my earlier post).
Though I used to be the family adventure planner years ago, I have surrendered that role to my husband and adult sons, who could all work as professional travel agents if they wished. For me, being with my family is the most important aspect of our shared vacations. At this stage of my life, I can go with the flow pretty much anywhere.
On the past couple of family trips, though, my tribe has shared some frustration that I would rarely express an opinion. I realized that “being OK with whatever everyone else wanted to do” was manifesting as not being a team player. So I used the Berlin trip to tone up my “What would please me” muscles.
Warm Up With Girlfriend Travel
Along with being a dear friend for over 35 years, Marcia is also a mindfulness and Positive Intelligence practitioner (we have both witnessed the other’s transformation over the years). It was fun having a shared language to use as we navigated our travel experience, calling out our Saboteurs and keeping our Sage powers at the forefront.
First step: setting the intention to be guided solely by inspiration, joy, and curiosity. Ease and flow would be our motto.
Indelible memories of our Sage Girlfriends travel approach:
- Marcia seeing a slide from the second floor down to the first in a fancy department store near the Brandenburg Gate. “I want to do that!” she declared. DONE!
- Spur-of-the-moment purchase of tickets to an edgy, alternative ballet (our guys would not have been fans). DONE and FUN!
- Easy pivots from “should see” to “this feels uplifting.” DONE over and over and over.
Training Wheels Off
After Marcia left, I had three more days on my own. I hadn’t expected this originally, but another Germany-based friend’s plans changed and she couldn’t join me for the second half of my stay. I had three full days to be led solely by my heart’s desires, with a feeling of home away from home reignited.
I had lived and worked in West Berlin’s Kreuzberg district from 1986-87. It was then a gritty area known for its high concentration of immigrants, especially Turkish guest workers. The Airbnb I chose for our visit was just an 8 minute walk from my old apartment. Gentrification has transformed much of the neighborhood, but it is still rich with intercultural restaurants and shops.
I was struck by the sense of excitement and inspiration I felt being back in my old stomping grounds. The woman I was in my early twenties, trying so hard to pass as German, struggling–and often failing–to perform well in a German office setting, still not sure where life would take me, was rarely at peace.
Walking those same streets forty years later, I felt grounded, confident, and empowered. My German arose from the depths and my facility with Berlin’s excellent public transportation system came back online.
Most importantly, I didn’t care anymore if I made mistakes. The self-doubt and inner critic that used to brutalize me were simply gone. I noticed that when I was just on my own, not worrying if other people were enjoying themselves or if I was annoying my kids, I was more present with my own experience. Liberating!
A Perfect Mistake
A poster advertising an exhibit called “Forest Seasons” was plastered on walls throughout the city. Marcia and I noticed it our first day, but we had so many other shared interests that I said I’d check it out after she left. My quick passing glance at the image left me with the impression that it was a photography exhibit featuring forests. Right up my alley!
Marcia departed and I bought my ticket from the website. I still didn’t pay much attention to the details, because how could I not attend something titled “Forest Seasons”? I did get curious about the location in an industrial district’s warehouse that was a 45 minute train ride from Kreuzberg. I was elated to be flying solo, not having to worry about anybody else’s interests or timelines.
As you have probably guessed, this was not a photography exhibit.
When I entered the warehouse, I walked into a thunderstorm of light and music raining down on a forest. I sat down, entranced. My first thought was, “I’m glad I’m here alone, because a lot of people would think this is really weird.” Then I surrendered to the experience, opening to the emotions that forests have evoked for humans throughout time.
Below is a very short compilation–a tapas-plate of the experience–for you to get a taste of it. I spent close to an hour in the warehouse, surprised that the light show didn’t trigger my motion sickness. I did steer clear of the swings that you’ll see on the edges of the installation, which would have likely pushed me over the edge.
You can learn more about Forest Seasons and its creators Christopher Bauder and Chris Kuitjen HERE.
Curious?
How strong are your own “What would please me?” muscles? If you are ready to build the mental muscle to intercept the Pleaser and other saboteurs standing in the way of inspired action, ease, and flow in your life, schedule a free discovery call with me here.
