They say, “It’s the journey, not the destination.”
They say, “Trust the process.”
But just when you think you’ve gotten the hang of going with the flow and maintaining a consistently optimistic outlook on life, an opportunity for deeper practice materializes. And when it does, your ability to pull out the advanced moves you’ve acquired over the years depends fully on how present you are in that particular moment.
I had one of those presence-testing opportunities last week after we returned from our family vacation. Our trip to Alaska was great. And yes, I’ll share some photos in a future blog post. (Can you spot me in the shot above?)
The bigger, more challenging journey involved anxiety, fear, despair, doubt, and inner narratives projecting failure and ruin. All of that drama happened while I lay for five days straight in my safe, warm bed at home after being hit with a severe migraine and vertigo episode.
Taken For a Ride
Though my body wasn’t moving (unless hot flashes prompted me to throw off the covers, which was probably every few minutes now that I think back on it), my thoughts yanked the reins out of my hands and took me on a wild ride that piled a mountain of suffering on top of my physical discomfort.
My inner dialogue ran non-stop, replaying life-threatening, earth-shattering questions like:
“How can you take off even more time from work when you’ve been gone for the past ten days?”
“What if this happens when you travel again in three weeks and have a speaking engagement two days later?”
“What if these migraine/vertigo episodes take over your life as menopause wreaks havoc with your hormones?”
“How can you continue to do your purpose work if this keeps happening?”
“How can you even call yourself a mindfulness teacher when you’ve completely lost touch with your inner calm?”
and, perhaps most important of all,
“How can you even THINK of delaying posting your Alaska photos on Facebook when friends and family are asking for them? Who cares if photo editing exacerbates your vertigo nausea?”
Most fascinating was noticing how a single negative thought would trigger a hot flash. Crazy, right? (Note to self: research the neuroscience of this phenomenon.)
Where did all the mindfulness go?
Before I get too hard on myself, I need to remember that just about this time every year, I write a post about straying from my daily routines during summer vacation. Staying up later than usual to hang with my young adult kids, travel schedules, and generally more socializing than I’m wired for wreak havoc with my sleep patterns and preferred early morning habits (formal meditation at the top of the list).
Every year, my blog posts remind me, it takes a few days to ease back into my norms and feel like myself again by the time September arrives. I thought I had gotten the hang of surfing life’s seasons and cycles.
This time, though, a perfect storm of factors threw me back into a state of suffering that I hadn’t experienced in over a decade. And I’m not talking about migraine and vertigo. I’ve shared several stories here about how mindfulness helps me manage pain and illness symptoms.
My practice usually keeps me so in tune with my body that I can tell from the quality of a yawn that a migraine is knocking on my door. As soon as I hear that early warning knock, I honor my body’s messaging and go to bed. I can usually nip it in the bud when I do. I can feel my body saying, “Thank you for listening!” even as I write this.
Back to the Not-So-Good Old Days
I wasn’t always able to tap into my body’s wisdom. The first 25 years of my migraine history, which started in my teens, were more like last week, plagued by both pain AND suffering from my runaway thinking patterns.
Just like in the old days, I wasn’t present enough last week to notice my body’s cries for attention. I attributed my fatigue to mere time change impacts and allowed a stressful day (both my kids moved the day after we returned) to block my mind/body communication channels.
I could have spent that evening taking care of myself. If I had been present enough, I could have reconnected with breath awareness meditation, a body scan, self-compassion practice, or journaling. The post-vacation, weed-strewn garden wasn’t inviting, but I could have taken a bath or—better yet—gone to bed early. I could have asked myself whether I had stayed hydrated while traveling and moving through the 90+ degree weather that day. All of these potential actions could have been game-changers in how the rest of my week played out.
What did I do instead? I binge-watched a TV series. And not a nice, calming program, but a series called “Harlots” for the sole reason it stars a former Downton Abbey actress. I miss those sweet characters and peaceful English landscapes!
“Why are you watching that?” my husband asked, perplexed. “That doesn’t seem like a show you’d normally enjoy.”
“Because it has a Downton Abbey actress in it,” I replied in a monotone, zoned out voice. I sat zombie-like in front of the TV for hours, ignoring my husband’s concern. I just kept waiting for the show to somehow morph into the lives of the lovely Crawley family and staff, as the distressing, unhealthy vibes of an 18th-century brothel soaked into my head and body. Water would have been a better choice.
Disconnected from the Present Moment = Disconnected from Self
From a mindfulness standpoint, I had become disconnected from the present moment, disconnected from my body, and therefore disconnected from my True Self. My thinking brain convinced me that I was just tired, I couldn’t do anything else for my kids to help ease the stress of their moves, I wasn’t ready to turn to the work of digging out close to two weeks of emails that had accumulated during vacation, and that I just deserved to sit in front of the TV and veg out. Because everyone else does that, right?
My True Self is a lot smarter than my thinking brain, but somehow my thinking brain managed to pull a fast one and tie up and gag my True Self when I was busy watching TV.
I don’t know if it was because I had fallen off my meditation schedule while traveling, or that my hormones were wreaking havoc, or due to the time zone readjustment, or the migraine and vertigo medication I started taking the next day (what a perfect storm!), but, with my True Self incapacitated, my thinking brain built what felt like a firewall blocking me from access to the inner stillness I am usually able to tap into through mindful breathing and other practices.
New Insights, New Tools
In my desperation for treatment, I saw my family doctor, my chiropractor, an acupuncturist (for the first time!), and my nutritionist over the past week. My ability to write this post attests to my full recovery. (YAY!)
As difficult as it was, I am grateful for the experience. My understanding of the connection between my mind, body, and spirit deepened further. My appreciation for the power of daily meditation practice to keep my smartest, truest Self behind the steering wheel has grown exponentially. (If you are interested in kick-starting or deepening your own practice, our next 30-Day Mindfulness Meditation Challenge begins on September 23!).
What I’m most excited about are the new tools I have acquired in the past week to navigate menopause and beyond. My nutritionist, Teri Cochrane, has educated me about how I can support healthy hormone and detoxification processes during menopause and how I can reduce my risk of migraines.
And while I’ve only had two acupuncture treatments, I do feel an improvement in my body’s energy flow. I look forward to tracking my body’s response to this increasingly mainstream practice. Proof is that my insurance covers acupuncture! (And no, the needles don’t hurt.)
Happy Ending
It seems so obvious in hindsight how the missteps in my self-care exacerbated my situation. But I will practice self-compassion rather than berate myself. That leaves me extra energy to share my experience with you in the hope that it may be of service.
I honestly do feel better today than I ever have before! Another reminder that the dark days help us to fully appreciate the sunny ones.
Thanks for sticking with me for the long post. If you have a friend this story might help, please share it!
And don’t forget to check out the 30-Day Challenge if the idea of trying out meditation has been tapping you on the shoulder. You can learn more and read testimonials here.
Wishing you wellness as the summer winds down!
